Christmas cheer? Not in Stoke-on-Trent

I'm all for surprise gifts at Christmas. They can lift the mood when unwrapping socks, pants and car-cleaning kits gets a trifle tedious.
But I'm not sure I'd want the kind of festive present left by the good old traffic wardens of Stoke-on-Trent on Christmas Eve.
You see, church-goers who had attended mass at Sacred Heart Church in Hanley came outside at the end of the service to discover they'd been ticketed by said wardens, who work for oh-so-popular Stoke-on-Trent City Council.
According to my local paper, The Sentinel, up to 50 worshippers discovered they'd been fined at the end of mass. And I bet they wanted to give the traffic wardens more than a glass of sherry in return for their stunning display of festive cheer.
A mate of mine reckons traffic wardens get a hard time. "It must be a joyless job," he whines on. "Imagine how much grief they must get in the line of duty."
Well if behaviour like this is anything to go by, I'm not surprised. Utter jobsworths, the lot of them.
What happened to Christmas cheer? What happened to good will to all men? What happened to making allowances because it's bloody Christmas?
The parish priest, Father Peter Weatherby, is fuming about the fines and has vowed to fight tooth and nail on behalf of his parishioners.
A city council spokesman had nothing unusual to say... just the usual town hall claptrap which will do nothing to boost the authority's appalling PR rating.
"Penalties are issued when vehicles are parked in violation of the restrictions," said a town hall spin doctor. "On-street parking restrictions apply until 6pm. Motorists who are issued a penalty are welcome to appeal the decision and details of how to appeal are on the back of the ticket."
Great.
I wonder whether the target-setting chief who runs traffic wardens in Hanley, Stoke, Burslem, Longton, Tunstall and Fenton goes by the name of Ebeneezer?

Mind over matter for Stoke City

He's the man who can help you overcome the fear of everything from spiders to flying.
Now Jamil Qureshi is a man on a mission close to the hearts of every Stoke City fan.
Yep, it might sound like the Bovril's gone to their heads, but the powers-that-be down the Britannia Stadium have hired Jamil to help the club's fear of (not) flying (high) in the Premier League.
So if the now-legendary Rory Delap is struck by a bout of nerves when it comes to his next long-throw, or Dave Kitson suddenly decides he can't face leaving the dressing room with THAT hair on show, I hope sport psychologist Jamil manages to work his magic.
He's apparently already helped Bolton and has had a call from Nottingham Forest. And if ever there was a recommendation not to be taken lightly, he's said to be a regular on Five's Trisha Goddard show. (Whatever next? Jeremy Kyle?)
Anyway, according to www.whydelilah.co.uk, the online bible for Stoke City fans and readers of my local paper, The Sentinel, he will be on hand at Stoke City training sessions. And he will be helping the Potters deal with all manner of problems, be they professional or personal.
I'm becoming something of a Stoke City fan myself of late. Maybe it's because Stoke are now in the Premier League, which means the biggest clubs in the business parking up for a showdown at The Britannia Stadium.
I've even been to a game. It was all right (the experts tell me it was boring) but I saw Mama Sidibe put one away. That said, the pies were extortionately priced.
But I hope self-styled mind guru Jamil will succeed in working his magic on Stoke City. And despite what some of the whining, whinging, negative 'fans' have to say, I reckon the people of Stoke-on-Trent - whether they're from Burslem, Tunstall, Longton, Fenton, Stoke or Hanley - will too.
Even the Port Vale fans.

You'll never be lonely (up Hanley, duck)

I love it when I'm right.
It seems the hand of fate has been at the controls of a computer keyboard somewhere, reading the purple prose of my blog yesterday.
For no sooner had I declared that Stoke-on-Trent is a dump but a wonderful place nevertheless, a bunch of academics from Sheffield University go and prove me right.
Yes folks, the view might not be too pretty, but when you're in the Potteries (be it Burslem, Longton, Hanley, Fenton, Tunstall or Stoke), you'll never be lonely.
Our shops might be shite, our buses late, our job prospects grim, and our Argos full of chavs. We might lack the cultural kudos of rivals like Birmingham, Manchester and Nottingham.
But you'll always get a warm welcome in Stoke-on-Trent, where it seems good old community spirit is alive and kicking.
The city is the least lonely in the UK, according to research commissioned by the BBC. At last, Aunty's making good use of all the money I've stumped up for that TV licence.
So if you're Christmas shopping this week, you won't find the kind of retail heaven that those bigger cities have to offer. True.
But when you realise you've spent up, you've got no money for the gas, and the credit crunch is biting AGAIN, don't worry. There'll be no need to sit sobbing alone on a bench outside the Potteries Shopping Centre. There'll be plenty of others sat there too. And they'll probably offer you a tissue.

Anthea Turner's foreign pots gig? Just smashing!

It looks like the fragrant Anthea Turner - she of 'Yeah, I'll promote a chocolate bar on my wedding day' fame - has been rumbled by an eagle-eyed resident of Stoke-on-Trent.
For the former Blue Peter beauty, who is said to be fiercely proud of her Potteries roots, has been busy earning some dosh... promoting pottery from nowhere near Stoke-on-Trent. Allegedly.
According to a correspondent who wrote to my local paper, The Sentinel, it seems "our" Anth has been plugging ceramics made abroad for Matalan.
Which is a cracking way of showing loyalty to your home city in these credit-crunched times. Spode? Remember them? Well they've gone under after hundreds of years at the heart of life in Stoke.
Wedgwood, one of the region's other big names, are making more people redundant. And Royal Doulton... Royal who? Yep, they're just a distant memory in the town of Burslem, which they once so proudly called home.
So I imagine there might be plenty of former potbank workers who'd like to throw more than a pot in Anthea's direction, given her Matalan gig.
And who could blame them?

Robbie Williams won't give us the time of day

I'm going to have to have words with Robbie Williams.
Yes, he's the undisputed king of pop in my home city of Stoke-on-Trent and around the world.
He's got millions of adoring fans, so when he dropped in on the Potteries unannounced, you'd have thought he might have let said fans know about it.
They've bought his records, they've bought his merchandise, and they've bought tickets to see him in concert. Yep, they've helped him achieve the multi-millionaire status he now enjoys.
But he didn't want to see any of those fans whose hard-earned has gone his way. Or so says my local paper, The Sentinel. He crept inside Port Vale Football Club - where he's majority shareholder - and met staff and players. Then he crept out again and nobody else was any the wiser.
The next time he's in town - be it Burslem or Tunstall, where he grew up - I hope to see him. And if I do, I'll tell him that he ought to give those loyal fans the chance to see him.
Robbie Williams is like plenty of other celebs who talk about their heart belonging to their home city and all that. So perhaps he should remember the rhetoric when he's here.
A quick public appearance and a word or two with us ordinary folk would have done much to lift the current doom and gloom.
Come on, Rob. Sort it out.

What would Fanny say?

Those poncey foodies at the Stone Food and Drink Festival have done it again.
Not content with bastardising the beautiful North Staffordshire oatcake with a ridiculous jam and custard filling, the festival's patrons are now said to be fuelling demand for beer-flavoured ice-cream.
I'm all for creativity in the kitchen, but how's a glutton supposed to know what's normal any more?
And what'll be next? Baked bean and banana panninis? Marmite and marmalade focaccias?
I suggest these people jump in their 4x4s, sod off back to the Waitrose coffee bar and stop giving the news editor at my local paper, The Sentinel, such food for thought.
For, after the oatcake saga made headlines the other day, I see the alcoholic ice-cream is now worthy of column inches.
According to the paper tonight, sales of Titanic beer, which is the produce of Stoke-on-Trent's Mother Town, Burslem, have been boosted by the unusual ice-cream recipe.
Some Delia wannabe on daytime telly has used it in her 'chocolate and stout ice-cream' recipe, boosting sales. Then the Stone lot have been clamouring for Titanic so they too can rustle up the dessert.
At least it's good news for Titanic in these troubled financial times. But I reckon Fanny Craddock will be turning in her grave.