Christmas cheer? Not in Stoke-on-Trent

I'm all for surprise gifts at Christmas. They can lift the mood when unwrapping socks, pants and car-cleaning kits gets a trifle tedious.
But I'm not sure I'd want the kind of festive present left by the good old traffic wardens of Stoke-on-Trent on Christmas Eve.
You see, church-goers who had attended mass at Sacred Heart Church in Hanley came outside at the end of the service to discover they'd been ticketed by said wardens, who work for oh-so-popular Stoke-on-Trent City Council.
According to my local paper, The Sentinel, up to 50 worshippers discovered they'd been fined at the end of mass. And I bet they wanted to give the traffic wardens more than a glass of sherry in return for their stunning display of festive cheer.
A mate of mine reckons traffic wardens get a hard time. "It must be a joyless job," he whines on. "Imagine how much grief they must get in the line of duty."
Well if behaviour like this is anything to go by, I'm not surprised. Utter jobsworths, the lot of them.
What happened to Christmas cheer? What happened to good will to all men? What happened to making allowances because it's bloody Christmas?
The parish priest, Father Peter Weatherby, is fuming about the fines and has vowed to fight tooth and nail on behalf of his parishioners.
A city council spokesman had nothing unusual to say... just the usual town hall claptrap which will do nothing to boost the authority's appalling PR rating.
"Penalties are issued when vehicles are parked in violation of the restrictions," said a town hall spin doctor. "On-street parking restrictions apply until 6pm. Motorists who are issued a penalty are welcome to appeal the decision and details of how to appeal are on the back of the ticket."
Great.
I wonder whether the target-setting chief who runs traffic wardens in Hanley, Stoke, Burslem, Longton, Tunstall and Fenton goes by the name of Ebeneezer?

Mind over matter for Stoke City

He's the man who can help you overcome the fear of everything from spiders to flying.
Now Jamil Qureshi is a man on a mission close to the hearts of every Stoke City fan.
Yep, it might sound like the Bovril's gone to their heads, but the powers-that-be down the Britannia Stadium have hired Jamil to help the club's fear of (not) flying (high) in the Premier League.
So if the now-legendary Rory Delap is struck by a bout of nerves when it comes to his next long-throw, or Dave Kitson suddenly decides he can't face leaving the dressing room with THAT hair on show, I hope sport psychologist Jamil manages to work his magic.
He's apparently already helped Bolton and has had a call from Nottingham Forest. And if ever there was a recommendation not to be taken lightly, he's said to be a regular on Five's Trisha Goddard show. (Whatever next? Jeremy Kyle?)
Anyway, according to www.whydelilah.co.uk, the online bible for Stoke City fans and readers of my local paper, The Sentinel, he will be on hand at Stoke City training sessions. And he will be helping the Potters deal with all manner of problems, be they professional or personal.
I'm becoming something of a Stoke City fan myself of late. Maybe it's because Stoke are now in the Premier League, which means the biggest clubs in the business parking up for a showdown at The Britannia Stadium.
I've even been to a game. It was all right (the experts tell me it was boring) but I saw Mama Sidibe put one away. That said, the pies were extortionately priced.
But I hope self-styled mind guru Jamil will succeed in working his magic on Stoke City. And despite what some of the whining, whinging, negative 'fans' have to say, I reckon the people of Stoke-on-Trent - whether they're from Burslem, Tunstall, Longton, Fenton, Stoke or Hanley - will too.
Even the Port Vale fans.

Let's make Stoke-on-Trent the Amsterdam of the Midlands

Those bright sparks at Stoke-on-Trent City Council are at it again.
First they want to ban takeaways because they make the people of the Potteries fat.
Now they want to ban "downmarket" sex shops, arcades and bookies' because they're worried that plans for the regeneration of Hanley will be undermined by such tawdry "outlets".
They reckon the North Staffordshire Regeneration Partnership (NSRP) has some great ideas for the Piccadilly area, and giving visitors the chance to play the slot machines before purchasing a bit of porn and a marital aid sends out the wrong impression.
In principle, I suppose I can see where they're coming from. If Realis Estates' proposed East West Shopping Centre comes off, there's the potential for Hanley to become a city centre worth visiting.
But are the minds at the Civic Centre in Stoke thinking about the people who actually live in the city? (They're the very same taxpayers who pay their wages, after all.)
Because, from a PR point of view, it all just sounds snotty, snobby and out of touch.
People in Stoke-on-Trent like to visit takeaways. They evidently like a flutter on the horses and a fair few probably have Debbie Does Dallas in their DVD collections. If they didn't, such "downmarket" businesses wouldn't exist in the city.
OK, they might be fat, broke and have repetitive strain injury, but it's their personal choice.
And if those taxpayers got the feeling that the city council and its regeneration partners knew what they were doing, perhaps grand declarations like this one would be a bit easier to accept.
No, I've decided we need to innovate and be bold. We need the powers-that-be to come up with a different plan to put Stoke-on-Trent on the map.
So I will be writing to the town hall immediately with my suggestion. (Actually, I'll email because Stoke Royal Mail postal workers are going on strike. My dossier might never get there.)
And my suggestion? We should create a Sex-And-Betting Quarter in the Potteries. We could become the Amsterdam of the Midlands (we've already got the canals).
Now that's the kind of vision needed to transform North Staffordshire's fortunes.
And I reckon the good folk of Burslem, Longton, Hanley, Fenton, Tunstall and Stoke might agree.

You'll never be lonely (up Hanley, duck)

I love it when I'm right.
It seems the hand of fate has been at the controls of a computer keyboard somewhere, reading the purple prose of my blog yesterday.
For no sooner had I declared that Stoke-on-Trent is a dump but a wonderful place nevertheless, a bunch of academics from Sheffield University go and prove me right.
Yes folks, the view might not be too pretty, but when you're in the Potteries (be it Burslem, Longton, Hanley, Fenton, Tunstall or Stoke), you'll never be lonely.
Our shops might be shite, our buses late, our job prospects grim, and our Argos full of chavs. We might lack the cultural kudos of rivals like Birmingham, Manchester and Nottingham.
But you'll always get a warm welcome in Stoke-on-Trent, where it seems good old community spirit is alive and kicking.
The city is the least lonely in the UK, according to research commissioned by the BBC. At last, Aunty's making good use of all the money I've stumped up for that TV licence.
So if you're Christmas shopping this week, you won't find the kind of retail heaven that those bigger cities have to offer. True.
But when you realise you've spent up, you've got no money for the gas, and the credit crunch is biting AGAIN, don't worry. There'll be no need to sit sobbing alone on a bench outside the Potteries Shopping Centre. There'll be plenty of others sat there too. And they'll probably offer you a tissue.

Robbie Williams: Grade A success story?

I remember those dark days of school when the teachers would have you believe that failing your GCSEs spelled the end of the world.

Being a bit of a swot, I fell for their scare-stories hook, line and sinker. But looking back (it's incredible how much a recent birthday ending in -0 can make you contemplate your life thus far), I wish I'd rebelled.

I wish I'd fallen in with the wrong crowd, got trolleyed on cider and popped a few pills in an act of adolescent rebellion.

After all, it didn't do popstar Robbie Williams any harm.

For the Stoke-on-Trent born songman has revealed much about his teenage years in the Potteries. Granted multi-millionaire Robert will make you pay £30 to listen in full on his website, but my local paper, The Sentinel, has done its bit for the credit crunch and spilled some of the beans for free on http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/

Yep, the Robster has relived the moment his disappointing GCSE results were revealed to his mum Jan at their home in Tunstall.

Yet just hours later, this young Stokie was jumping for joy after bagging himself a place in Take That.

The rest, as they say, is history. And didn't he do well for himself?

OK, so he appears to have gone a bit bonkers of late, doing BBC radio documentaries about aliens and sporting a haircut to be ashamed of.

But he's rolling in it, living a life of luxury in LA, indulging his passion for all things Port Vale - and all after flunking his exams.

His Robcast, as his confessional podcast has been called, also includes details of him taking LSD at Shelley's nightclub in Longton; trying to summon spirits with a Ouija board at Chuch Lawton Hall; and buying his first pair of Versace jeans in Hanley.

Now all he needs to do is get himself back to Stoke-on-Trent, settle down with a good Potteries woman, and launch his own Fame Academy to put the city on the map.

That way he can really prove to others growing up in his neck of the woods that there is hope after all...