Christmas cheer? Not in Stoke-on-Trent

I'm all for surprise gifts at Christmas. They can lift the mood when unwrapping socks, pants and car-cleaning kits gets a trifle tedious.
But I'm not sure I'd want the kind of festive present left by the good old traffic wardens of Stoke-on-Trent on Christmas Eve.
You see, church-goers who had attended mass at Sacred Heart Church in Hanley came outside at the end of the service to discover they'd been ticketed by said wardens, who work for oh-so-popular Stoke-on-Trent City Council.
According to my local paper, The Sentinel, up to 50 worshippers discovered they'd been fined at the end of mass. And I bet they wanted to give the traffic wardens more than a glass of sherry in return for their stunning display of festive cheer.
A mate of mine reckons traffic wardens get a hard time. "It must be a joyless job," he whines on. "Imagine how much grief they must get in the line of duty."
Well if behaviour like this is anything to go by, I'm not surprised. Utter jobsworths, the lot of them.
What happened to Christmas cheer? What happened to good will to all men? What happened to making allowances because it's bloody Christmas?
The parish priest, Father Peter Weatherby, is fuming about the fines and has vowed to fight tooth and nail on behalf of his parishioners.
A city council spokesman had nothing unusual to say... just the usual town hall claptrap which will do nothing to boost the authority's appalling PR rating.
"Penalties are issued when vehicles are parked in violation of the restrictions," said a town hall spin doctor. "On-street parking restrictions apply until 6pm. Motorists who are issued a penalty are welcome to appeal the decision and details of how to appeal are on the back of the ticket."
Great.
I wonder whether the target-setting chief who runs traffic wardens in Hanley, Stoke, Burslem, Longton, Tunstall and Fenton goes by the name of Ebeneezer?

Ricardo Fuller v Andy Griffin: Stoke City's own goal

I hope for his sake that Stoke City striker Ricardo Fuller isn't spotted doing his shopping up Hanley any time soon.
The bargains first revealed in the Boxing Day sales might be tempting, Ric, but I'd keep a low profile if I were you.
For all hell broke loose at Upton Park when Stoke City took on West Ham today. And Fuller was in the thick of it.
Now I know about as much about football as the chiefs in charge at Woolworths apparently know about steering a high street favourite through the choppy waters of a credit crunch.
But I know that Fuller has landed himself in hot water for hitting his team-mate (and captain) Andy Griffin at a time when every point counts for Premier League new boys Stoke City.
And as somebody who knows so little about football, and until recently cared very little about it too, I have to say I'm gutted.
Because some so-called pundits apparently reckon Stoke City shouldn't be in the Premier League. They don't have the skill or the panache of the big boys like Manchester United and Liverpool, these know-it-alls claim.
Well I say balls to that. Stoke getting into football's top-flight is one of the best (and relatively few) positive things ever to happen in the history of the city of Stoke-on-Trent. And the city's people (whether they're football fans or not) need it to continue.
It's good for our name. It should be good for the regeneration of the city. And that has to be good for everyone.
So I'm gutted at Fuller's outburst. You can't deny that passion is to be applauded, but when it spills over into violence, things have gone too far. And besides denying Stoke vital points in their struggle to succeed in the Premier League, I can't help feeling Fuller has committed a PR own goal for the whole city.
He's now facing disciplinary action, a three-match ban, and he'll have his wages docked.
But should he be allowed to pull on a Stoke City shirt again? The fans are raging and many of them say he shouldn't. They're calling on Tony Pulis to get tough and show Fuller the door. They're all kicking off on the website of my local paper, The Sentinel.
With the January transfer window about to open, who knows whether Fuller will be on his way.
And whatever happens, Pulis has got to leave his players in little doubt that this kind of behaviour is bang out of order.
It'll do Stoke City no good in their current campaign, and it'll play straight into the hands of those stuck-up pundits who barely travel past the North Circular and reckon Stoke has no place in football's top league.

Mind over matter for Stoke City

He's the man who can help you overcome the fear of everything from spiders to flying.
Now Jamil Qureshi is a man on a mission close to the hearts of every Stoke City fan.
Yep, it might sound like the Bovril's gone to their heads, but the powers-that-be down the Britannia Stadium have hired Jamil to help the club's fear of (not) flying (high) in the Premier League.
So if the now-legendary Rory Delap is struck by a bout of nerves when it comes to his next long-throw, or Dave Kitson suddenly decides he can't face leaving the dressing room with THAT hair on show, I hope sport psychologist Jamil manages to work his magic.
He's apparently already helped Bolton and has had a call from Nottingham Forest. And if ever there was a recommendation not to be taken lightly, he's said to be a regular on Five's Trisha Goddard show. (Whatever next? Jeremy Kyle?)
Anyway, according to www.whydelilah.co.uk, the online bible for Stoke City fans and readers of my local paper, The Sentinel, he will be on hand at Stoke City training sessions. And he will be helping the Potters deal with all manner of problems, be they professional or personal.
I'm becoming something of a Stoke City fan myself of late. Maybe it's because Stoke are now in the Premier League, which means the biggest clubs in the business parking up for a showdown at The Britannia Stadium.
I've even been to a game. It was all right (the experts tell me it was boring) but I saw Mama Sidibe put one away. That said, the pies were extortionately priced.
But I hope self-styled mind guru Jamil will succeed in working his magic on Stoke City. And despite what some of the whining, whinging, negative 'fans' have to say, I reckon the people of Stoke-on-Trent - whether they're from Burslem, Tunstall, Longton, Fenton, Stoke or Hanley - will too.
Even the Port Vale fans.

Let's make Stoke-on-Trent the Amsterdam of the Midlands

Those bright sparks at Stoke-on-Trent City Council are at it again.
First they want to ban takeaways because they make the people of the Potteries fat.
Now they want to ban "downmarket" sex shops, arcades and bookies' because they're worried that plans for the regeneration of Hanley will be undermined by such tawdry "outlets".
They reckon the North Staffordshire Regeneration Partnership (NSRP) has some great ideas for the Piccadilly area, and giving visitors the chance to play the slot machines before purchasing a bit of porn and a marital aid sends out the wrong impression.
In principle, I suppose I can see where they're coming from. If Realis Estates' proposed East West Shopping Centre comes off, there's the potential for Hanley to become a city centre worth visiting.
But are the minds at the Civic Centre in Stoke thinking about the people who actually live in the city? (They're the very same taxpayers who pay their wages, after all.)
Because, from a PR point of view, it all just sounds snotty, snobby and out of touch.
People in Stoke-on-Trent like to visit takeaways. They evidently like a flutter on the horses and a fair few probably have Debbie Does Dallas in their DVD collections. If they didn't, such "downmarket" businesses wouldn't exist in the city.
OK, they might be fat, broke and have repetitive strain injury, but it's their personal choice.
And if those taxpayers got the feeling that the city council and its regeneration partners knew what they were doing, perhaps grand declarations like this one would be a bit easier to accept.
No, I've decided we need to innovate and be bold. We need the powers-that-be to come up with a different plan to put Stoke-on-Trent on the map.
So I will be writing to the town hall immediately with my suggestion. (Actually, I'll email because Stoke Royal Mail postal workers are going on strike. My dossier might never get there.)
And my suggestion? We should create a Sex-And-Betting Quarter in the Potteries. We could become the Amsterdam of the Midlands (we've already got the canals).
Now that's the kind of vision needed to transform North Staffordshire's fortunes.
And I reckon the good folk of Burslem, Longton, Hanley, Fenton, Tunstall and Stoke might agree.

Takeaway ban? Just call the food police

Well I've heard it all now.
First they ignore the views of the public over issues like secondary school re-organisation in Stoke-on-Trent. (If you don't believe me, have a chat with the families campaigning to save Trentham High School).
Now, they're sticking their noses in to people's lives and trying to tell them what they shouldn't eat.
To whom do I refer? The town hall bureaucrats at Stoke-on-Trent City Council.
Or, as they shall now be known, the food police.
For the council's health overview and scrutiny committee (snappy title, I think you'll agree) wants to limit the number of takeaways allowed within a certain area. They also want to meddle with the type of food these takeaways are offering, and only allow them within a certain distance of schools.
Why? Because we're an obese city, apparently.
Now I'm all for encouraging people to be healthy. But what happened to personal choice? What happened to entrepreneurship and businesses doing business?
If people want to eat takeaways, they should be allowed to eat takeaways. Try telling somebody in Hanley, Burslem, Tunstall or Stoke that their local chippy's licence is being revoked because it's too near a school.
What's going to happen? Black market kebabs? Illegal pies and pasties sold under the counter?
If the ordinary people of Stoke-on-Trent felt their council served them well, and had its own house in order, perhaps this wouldn't be such a bitter pill to swallow.

Royal Mail? Simply second class

Well it looks like the poor old people of Stoke-on-Trent have been shafted again.
But forget failing schools like Sandon Business and Enterprise College in Meir. Forget waste-of-space politicians at Stoke-on-Trent City Council. Forget Third World conditions (queuing for hours on trolleys) at the University Hospital of North Staffordshire.
Forget them all.
Because there was more great news today... the poor old peeps with an ST postcode officially get the worst postal service from the Royal Mail in mainland Britain.
Personally speaking, I'd love to say I'm surprised. But the last time I was at home on a weekday, I didn't get my gas bill on the doormat until gone 1pm.
1pm? What kind of postal service is that? Evidently a very late and not very good one. I'm just grateful I'm not a struggling North Staffordshire business. How they're supposed to make any money with a postal service so poor, especially during a credit crunch (I had to mention it somewhere), is beyond me.
And it gets worse. Because not only is the Royal Mail second class and completely useless in North Staffordshire. My local paper, The Sentinel, reckons postal drivers might go out on strike over Christmas. Oh behold the festive joy. Let's all lick a stamp in celebration.
You might be unsurprised to know that the public are not being too sympathetic up to now, while Royal Mail big noises reckon the customer deserves better.
Well at least they've got that bit right... though I'm not sure that shipping a load of delivery staff from Stoke to Wolverhampton will help much on that front.

You'll never be lonely (up Hanley, duck)

I love it when I'm right.
It seems the hand of fate has been at the controls of a computer keyboard somewhere, reading the purple prose of my blog yesterday.
For no sooner had I declared that Stoke-on-Trent is a dump but a wonderful place nevertheless, a bunch of academics from Sheffield University go and prove me right.
Yes folks, the view might not be too pretty, but when you're in the Potteries (be it Burslem, Longton, Hanley, Fenton, Tunstall or Stoke), you'll never be lonely.
Our shops might be shite, our buses late, our job prospects grim, and our Argos full of chavs. We might lack the cultural kudos of rivals like Birmingham, Manchester and Nottingham.
But you'll always get a warm welcome in Stoke-on-Trent, where it seems good old community spirit is alive and kicking.
The city is the least lonely in the UK, according to research commissioned by the BBC. At last, Aunty's making good use of all the money I've stumped up for that TV licence.
So if you're Christmas shopping this week, you won't find the kind of retail heaven that those bigger cities have to offer. True.
But when you realise you've spent up, you've got no money for the gas, and the credit crunch is biting AGAIN, don't worry. There'll be no need to sit sobbing alone on a bench outside the Potteries Shopping Centre. There'll be plenty of others sat there too. And they'll probably offer you a tissue.

Has Hanley got the X Factor? Nope!

I've heard some claptrap in my time, but this takes some beating.
Stoke-on-Trent is apparently "a beautiful place".
Who says? Laura White, who got booted off ITV's X Factor amid considerable controversy.
Now I consider myself a Stokie. I love the people and I love the place. There's bags of heritage, owing much to the city's former status as the centre of the pottery industry. Once-thriving companies like Wedgwood, Spode and Royal Doulton are to thank for that.
But they've gone - or what remains of them is going. And "beautiful" the city is not. There are some beautiful buildings, but it's largely a post-industrial ruin; a place where there's been plenty of talk about "Stoke-on-Trent regeneration"; plenty of public consultation; plenty of "vision" and artists' impressions.
But it's a dump. And until organisations like Stoke-on-Trent City Council, the North Staffordshire Regeneration Partnership and Renew North Staffordshire pull their fingers out, it will remain as such.
However, describing it truthfully probably wouldn't help Laura White flog any records. And the Lancashire lass will be desperate to do that, after being kicked off X Factor amid claims from her fans that it was a fix.
That said, she went down a storm at Liquid nightclub in Hanley last night. She did a turn as part of a tour, and she's now hoping to land a record contract and see her name in lights. (Personally, I preferred that Spanish sizzler, Ruth Lorenzo, but what do I know?)
Despite Laura's rather disingenous description of Stoke-on-Trent as "beautiful" (God knows how she'd describe the Taj Mahal or St Mark's Square), she is actually a rather likeable character.
She did a video interview with The Sentinel, my local newspaper, and she seems down-to-earth and more than pleasant.
I hope she does well... and has a look around Hanley in the daylight. She'd be groping for another word altogether to describe what she saw then.

First Choice? They'd be my last choice

First Choice? More like Last Choice, if one of the main stories in my local paper, The Sentinel, today is anything to go by.
Stoke-on-Trent newlyweds Claire and Michael Kirk tie the knot and book thier honeymoon to the Dominican Republic with the aforementioned tour operator.
They pay £220 extra for premium class seats on their flight to a fortnight of marital bliss. So far, so good.
They get on the plane at Manchester Airport and indeed are shown to thier swanky seats. Yet there's just one problem. They're told they can fly first class, but they can't sit together.
Is it me or is there a credit crunch on? I know I'm obsessed by the economic downturn, but are we Brits not feeling the pinch? Are we not cutting back? Are we not thinking twice before putting our hands in our pockets?
And are some of the biggest names in business not going bump? Are previously gargantuan commercial powerhouses not crashing to the ground as the recession takes hold?
Well it's no bloody wonder, when hard-working punters are treated as shoddily as this.
I loathe bad customer service. In fact, when I'm on the receiving end of it, I go out of my way to (a) complain; (b) complain again - loudly; and (c) never darken the offending business's door with my shopping list and wallet again.
It's about time companies like First Choice got a grip. For too long they've been able to treat customers badly and get away with it, not least because of their sheer size and market dominance.
Claire and Michael Kirk, from Sneyd Green, near Hanley, in Stoke-on-Trent, apparently complained when they got home. But they got nowhere.
It was only when The Sentinel contacted First Choice and its Holiday Hypermarket at Festival Park, in Etruria, that First Choice offered a refund.
It shouldn't take the local press to ensure that common sense prevails and these bungling big boys do the right thing.
And if companies like First Choice want to survive the economic downturn, they'd do well to realise that - as cliched as it sounds - it's the customer who should always come first.